When people come to a divorce attorney’s office for the first time, many are convinced their case will be a war. They’ve lived through a contentious marriage, and they assume the divorce will be just as combative. But here’s something important to understand: what happens in a marriage doesn’t always predict what happens in a divorce.
Once a lawsuit is filed, the dynamics between you and your spouse change. The legal process introduces structure, rules, and deadlines that often shift behavior. A spouse who seemed impossible to deal with during the marriage may become more cooperative when facing the realities of court proceedings. That said, some divorces do turn out to be genuinely high conflict—and if yours does, you need to be prepared.
Understanding What High Conflict Really Means
From a lawyer’s perspective, it’s difficult to predict whether a divorce will be high-conflict right from the initial meeting. Many clients come in expecting the worst, telling us their spouse will never cooperate. But cooperation has a funny way of appearing once legal consequences are on the table. The true nature of your divorce often doesn’t reveal itself until you’re in the thick of it—until you see how the other side actually responds to filings, discovery requests, and settlement offers.
A high-conflict divorce typically involves ongoing disputes, refusal to negotiate in good faith, and sometimes tactics designed to create chaos or drag out the process. It may also involve false accusations—claims that one spouse did something wrong, that something bad happened on their watch, or that they’re somehow at fault for issues in the marriage or with the children.
Dealing with False Accusations
False accusations in divorce are painful. When your spouse claims you did something you didn’t do—especially when it involves your children or your character—it can feel like a punch to the gut. The instinct is to panic, to feel like the world is caving in.
But here’s the reality: false accusations rarely hold up in court. The way to handle them is through the discovery process. Your attorney can demand that the other side prove their claims with evidence. When accusations are made simply to leverage the divorce or create an emotional advantage, they tend to fall apart under scrutiny. Judges require solid evidence before making decisions, and baseless claims don’t survive that standard.
If you’re facing false accusations, the strategy is straightforward: smoke them out early. Ask for proof. Let the legal process expose the truth. While these accusations hurt and sting in the moment, they very rarely hold up in the end.
Protecting Your Mental Health
If you’re dealing with a divorce—especially one where your spouse is challenging your mental health or making your life feel unbearable—protecting your wellbeing isn’t optional. It’s essential.
The advice for getting through a high-conflict divorce is the same advice you’d hear in any challenging area of life: get your diet under control, avoid abusing alcohol or other substances, prioritize good sleep, maintain a strong friend network, and work with a therapist.
One critical piece of guidance: do not use your divorce lawyer as a therapist. Lawyers aren’t trained for that role, and unless they have a special degree, they’re not equipped to provide mental health support. More practically, attorneys charge significantly more per hour than therapists do. If you need emotional support—and most people going through divorce do—find a licensed therapist. They’re more affordable, and they actually know what they’re doing.
Knowing When to Compromise
One of the biggest challenges in any divorce is knowing when to stand firm and when to let go. People often get hung up on things that have emotional value to them but really just have financial value to the rest of the world. A piece of furniture. A household item. Something that feels important because of the memories attached to it.
The time to compromise is when you have good information—facts that exist outside of your own opinions. When you’ve received solid counsel from your attorney, when trusted friends are helping you see the whole picture, that’s when you can make informed decisions about what to give up and what to fight for.
The art of compromise is understanding that you give up something to get something. Sometimes the small things you’re clinging to are overvalued. And the big thing you actually want—peace, a clear head, the ability to move forward—is worth far more than any item or minor victory.
If you’re being advised to let go of something small so you can achieve resolution, that advice is probably worth taking. Too many people sacrifice peace for possessions and end up regretting it long after the divorce is finalized.
Moving Forward
High-conflict divorces are exhausting, emotionally draining, and often more expensive than they need to be. But with the right approach—staying focused on facts, protecting your mental health, choosing your battles wisely, and working with an attorney—you can get through it.
If you’re stuck in a high-conflict situation or have questions about how to handle a difficult divorce, Von Dohlen Law Firm is here to help. We understand what you’re going through, and we’re prepared to guide you toward the best possible outcome.